Zero

He had a smile that never failed him. Even after many years of use, it maintained its ability to mend a broken heart or to heal grief-stricken eyes. It spoke in such a loud but comforting voice. It spoke to those afraid to die and those afraid to live.

He brushed his teeth three times a day, every day. He used to count his brushstrokes. Now, he starts to count, then forgets what he is counting. Sometimes he keeps counting because he thinks it will lead him back to where he started. But most times he stops. When he stops, he looks in the mirror. Then, he starts to cry.

Today, he doesn’t stop. One, two, three… broken vase, then small, triangular darkness, footsteps above… seven, eight, nine… spinning, then hard, cold, flat… thirteen, fourteen, fifteen… first, kiss, scream… nineteen, twenty, twenty-one… wet, cold, deafening, corpses… twenty-five, twenty-six, twenty-seven… a woman, ring, sobbing, asking, wanting, wondering… thirty-one, thirty-two, thirty-three… black, dirt, stone… thirty-seven, thirty-eight, thirty-nine… bedtime, stories, teddy… forty-three, forty-four, forty-five… lost, police, worry… forty-nine, fifty, fifty-one… cap, diploma… fifty-five, fifty-six, fifty-seven… breath, gasp, sweat, chest… sixty-one, sixty-two, sixty-three… humidity, hot, ocean… sixty-seven, sixty-eight, sixty-nine… visit, greeting cards, toys… seventy-three, seventy-four, seventy-five… stranger, intruder… seventy-nine, eighty, eighty-one… “Who are you and where am I…?”

...seventy-eight, seventy-seven, seventy-six… tree, car, thunderstorm, typewriter… seventy-two, seventy-one, seventy… white, bed, gala, garden… sixty-six, sixty-five, sixty-four… Bingo, Olympics, walking… sixty, fifty-nine, fifty-eight… dinner, evening, girlfriend… fifty-four, fifty-three, fifty-two… wedding, family, spring… forty-eight, forty-seven, forty-six… bottle, then spinning, skidding, crash, court, help… forty-two, forty-one, forty… late, coffee, office, meeting, fired… thirty-six, thirty-five, thirty-four… flowers, then nightmares, brave, tissue, smile, diaper… thirty, twenty-nine, twenty-eight… therapy, past, cleanse, anniversary, hesitation, comfort, conception… twenty-four, twenty-three, twenty-two… interview, schedule, hired, productive, city… eighteen, seventeen, sixteen… test, then failure, a want to escape, a lie, the army… twelve, eleven, ten… a mother, mine, gone, alone, defenseless… six, five, four… a man in white, hands, covering my mouth, kicking, touching, crying… zero.